I've been conducting a postmortem on past relationships, trying to understand the dynamic that destroyed them and looking at my role in the destruction. Sometimes I can see what I did to contribute to the demise. Sometimes, honestly, I think I did the best that I could, that even a superhuman effort would not have been enough.
Most of my SOs (I haven't had many) were decent, humane, perfectly normal people with legitimate issues between us. Issues that were bigger than our combined abilities could overcome...that's life and we dealt with the fallout like adults. We still respect each other and even drop a line to say "Ello" here and there.
BUT..Some of them, like XXX and her pompous entourage, are just awful, insensitive, selfish life sucking douche bags. Plain and simple. No explanation, no justification, no rhyme or reason. They just suck. I'm alright with that. XXX, in particular, was a black hole pulling in all light and life within her gravitational field. I just realized that. Epiphany.
I can't own that anymore...I just let it go.
I have been owning the guilt of failed marriages and relationships for way too long and I want to wash my hands of it all and move on. I'm alright with who am. I am aware that any semblance of humanity and ethics I saw in some of these women was my own projection upon a blank, empty, bleached canvass. I am turning off the projector and sending back, in waves, the awful energy spent on building impossible structure into impossible relations. Feel it, it's coming your way now.
As for the "real" one's: I am thankful for the lessons and the opportunity to grow.
And so it is.