Suckability

I never did have a glow. I have what is best described as “extreme intensity”. (I think I’m a Sith, through and through). I have actually been disciplined in school, work etc, for being too intense, even without any interaction that would suggest any kind of indiscretion or misconduct…. Once, a female coworker burst into tears in the middle of a meeting and pointed at me saying “see, he’s glaring at me right now…” I recollect I was standing against the wall in a standing room only meeting with my arms crossed, thinking to myself, most likely about lunch, and staring off into space…. yet I was being too intense, too aggressive, too hostile…

I stir the pot, just by being present. I’m a pretty nice guy, really, I just have the opposite of a glow. I joke a lot. I laugh a lot. I’m horribly irreverent and I have a lot of healthy relationships. BUT… I essentially suck out all the happy warm fuzziness and supplant it with existential dread and fight or flight panic. I mess up people’s ideas and beliefs. I spin people out. I wear people down just by BEING.

That really sucks. (No pun intended.)

It has taken me years to come to grips with the idea that I just may be created for this very reason. To Suck. In a good way. You know, a force for chaos, for positive disillusion of structure, for the obliteration of meme and paradigm…hard row to hoe for sure. Especially for making friends and influencing people. Not great at parties either.
“Hi, I’m PK, surrender the joy and no one gets hurt. And I’ll take some cake….”

I’ve been this way my entire life. I was always in trouble for what I considered to be trivial events, kidstuff. A group of kids could be doing something kid-like and be totally under the radar. I would join and the whole bunch of us would get the paddle. I was almost always fingered as the ring leader. WTF? This still happens every time I put even a degree of passion into work. Things heat up and I get the interrogation lamp. Or get fired. Or get disciplined…

Here’s my point…

Maybe some of us are created to glow. Maybe some are created to suck. Seems like, in my dark and evil mind, that Creation has a plan involving the assembly of structure and a corresponding disillusion of structure. In my “channeling” those possessing suckability are referred to as “Dust makers” and have a legitimate role in the creation/destruction paradigm. The creator, as they channel, actually assigns this unfortunate duty and gift to a percentage of souls as they incarnate in material reality. Agents of Chaos. Sounds cool, right? Not so much in practice. Not so much in life….

I can’t really fight it anymore; just keep track of the bodies as they pile up and the bridges as they lie smoking and smoldering behind me. To this end was I born??? Apparently. It’s what I am. It’s my measure of creation. It’s my gift to the collective. Stirring keeps the food in the pot from burning, right?

Soooo
If you are created to shine, then by all means shine your heart out. If you are created to suck, get comfortable and turn on the Hoover.