Suspended in the Snare of Karmic Agreements

Acting upon a pre-incarnational agreement is tricky business. It isn’t exactly a contract and, as a lesser agreement, is considerably less binding in nature…almost voluntary in contrast to the obligatory nature of actual karma. Tit for tat on a cosmic level, this lesson for that lesson, my gift for your gift. Sometimes it equates to mutual slapping and eye gauging in favor of a mutually desired, though often individually exclusive, set of learned skills or behavioral settings, insights or fallow talents. Why? I don’t know. The draw equates to love. The outcome to agony.

Lesson learned. Objective reached. I need many beers and more than a few titties to get past this one. Nearly lost myself there in a fucking bowl of crazy noodle soup. Lost myself willingly, mind you, and without power or will to resist. Selling of souls is less perverse and more rewarding it seems. (If only I still had mine).

That last intertwining was very destructive. I am injured deeply and fatally by its passing, a razor slicing through the viscera in my chest, a screwdriver pushed deeply into the grey matter of my squirming thoughts. I am the parched earth. I am the bleached bones. I am the slab beneath the emaciated corpse. I am ash. From this I will be reassembled and will live again. I hope I have a bigger wiener this time.

WTF

The Relative Advantage of Occult Foresight

Seeing the future course of events through a divinatory window does not necessarily alleviate related existential friction or allow an individual to change, to a great degree, the outcome. Sometimes it is better not to know what is around the bend, but to enjoy the moment. Foreknowledge may actually nullify essential experience by focusing the psyche on a coming nexus and detracting from actual in flight entertainment. How does one continue on a path whose predetermined outcome is negative? Faith I suppose. I know where my road ends...I've seen the end. It has allowed me some peace, but has lent an air of devil-may-care irresponsibility to my approach. I'm not sure that is a good thing. Why pursue a relationship (for example) when the known outcome is not a positive one? I don't know...but I am being drawn along toward the falls. Any day now, but I feel resigned to experience the conflagration. Its in the cards anyway. This will end badly.

Rediscovering Self

Wow. There I am. Haven't seen me for awhile. Is it possible to feel like me again, seems odd after so many years of hypnogogic movement. I feel my heart, kinda tight and unexercised. What do I do with this now? Not really sure, so much to see and feel...pouring into my senses like rain on alfalfa fields. Something smells like popcorn. Something feels a bit like mud between my toes. Something warms my back like sunlight through a break in the summer clouds. I recognize me again.

Acceptance and Surrender as an Act of Transfiguration.

Free falling into the void; allowing the bottom to drop out and accepting, as a powerful force of unavoidable destiny, the visceral, bone jarring step from the rationale of perceived control allows the mind to jettison its own inky flotsam and surrender all conscious processes of internal dialogue and intellectualization in favor of a zen-like, lack of control. It gives up because it is unable to do otherwise. With this surrender comes a peace, a full acceptance of the power of destiny and of the complete powerlessness of the individual ego to alter, in any way, the sheer force of the energetic torrent. "Be still and know that I am God".
There is peace in sacrifice. There is peace in surrender. We often note, as the initial shock wears off and we become accustomed to the fall, the falling away of landmarks, of anything against we can logically measure our velocity. Signs and landmarks fade. Without reference, we feel weightless and buoyant, warm and free. The ego dissolves, faith emerges. We realize, with a degree of shock, that our everyday lives are filled with senseless worries and artificially invoked priorities. We can hardly see them now as they fade against the vastness of the healing void. We are dissected from the inside out...paradigms, ideas, theories, beliefs...all strain and dissolve, then our skin, bones, sinews, organs and tissues. We are left with only the shining intelligence of our core being, yet we live and breath and find ourselves able to comprehend, feel and function. We die and are reborn instantaneously into a paradigm of eternal parameters. We are eternal. And this life is only an illusion. The Watcher stands at the edge of the abyss, holding in its taloned hands the eviscerated corpse of our mortal existence. He will return it to us in short order, repaired and cleaned, but only under the condition that it be used a a vehicle for further experience and not worshiped as the actual self.